Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, That’s Why it’s called the Present” –Eleanor Roosevelt
The future and the past are both overrated; the only thing that matters is the present. The past can never be recaptured and the future won’t even be the future when it arrives, it too will be the present. I have spent so much of my life paying attention to my past and future that I have missed many “presents.” The present is a perpetual gift to be unwrapped and experienced.
I miss The Cosby Show on Thursday’s followed by A Different World, I definitely miss high school years, I miss the joy of attending UC Berkeley as an undergrad, and even the camaraderie and relationships from Seminary. Interestingly enough when the Cosby Show was coming on, I couldn’t wait to get to high school, while in high school I took for granted that these were literally the best years of my life because I couldn’t wait to get to college, while in college I just wanted to graduate as soon as possible and I felt like graduate school was extremely laborious and even wanted to quit at times. If this trend continues I run the risk of missing life always wanting what was and what could be not realizing what is now. For us driven people who live perpetually in the present, don’t get it twisted contentment and complacency aren’t synonymous. Complacent means I’m stuck here, contentment means I thank God for here.
I’m approaching a new juncture in my life where I thank God and appreciate the beauty of now. All of what I think is right, what should be, what I perceive as wrong are merely pieces of the puzzle called now. There is something that you are complaining about currently that you will be thanking God for eventually. Expedite the process and thank Him now. Life is too short to miss now, singles want to be married, and regrettably many who are married miss being single. Those without children desire them, and those with them often want a break. Embracing now means embracing whatever part of the process that you are in. I am learning like Paul in whatsoever state I am in to be content. A frequently used church colloquialism is “I’m not where I outta be but thank God I’m not where I used to be.” I challenge this notion, who says you aren’t where you ought to be, what if you are in the perfect place for your process. The prodigal son was in the perfect place when he was in the pig pin because it was the catalyst for him to come to himself. Jonah was in the perfect place in the belly of the fish, because it too provoked repentance. The 3 Hebrew boys were in the perfect place in the fire, because they were positioned for a divine encounter with God. Jesus was in the perfect place on the cross, despite it being the place of the most pain; it led Him to the moment when He would declare all power was in His hands. Be responsible with your “now”, because it will soon be “then.”
Jeremiah 17:9-10 9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 10 I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.
Heart: Hebrew: leb 1) inner man, mind, will, heart, understanding
Heart: Greek: kardi,a kardia {kar-dee’-ah} that organ in the animal body which is the centre of the circulation of the blood, and hence was regarded as the seat of physical life 1) denotes the centre of all physical and spiritual life, 2a) the soul or mind, as it is the fountain and seat of the thoughts, passions, desires, appetites, affections, purposes, endeavours
Deceitful: Hebrew: {aw-kobe’} 1) deceitful, sly, insidious, slippery
Wicked: Hebrew: {aw-nash’} 1) to be weak, sick, frail, to be incurable
So according to Jeremiah, our heart/inner man, will, is deceitful, sly, insidious, and slippery, the heart is weak, frail and incurable, and who can know it?
I have discovered that a vast majority of issues that many encounter are relational issues. On one hand it is our vertical relationship between us and God, and on the other hand, it is our horizontal relationships with others.
Significant relationships require love, and love requires the involvement of the heart. Therefore if we are to have successful, vibrant, God inspired relationships of any kind, it is incumbent of us to address the heart. The heart is internal, and it is difficult to diagnose the condition of the heart by looking on the outside individual. The Lord told Samuel “… man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.” So let’s take an honest in depth at the heart…
What is the condition of my heart?
(normally I would use the pronoun we/our to make it generic, but I will be the guinea pig and put myself out there)
I’ve discovered that my heart is strong for others. I pride myself on being compassionate and a conduit of love that flows from God through me to the world. Personally my heart is damaged and fragile (this blog is becoming way to personal.) not in a victimized sense of the word, where I desire pity but in a realistic sense. Don’t get it twisted my heart is also deceitful. I have a tendency to love in matrix that don’t require me to have the love reciprocated (i.e. ministry and professional life). When people validate me in these scenarios, I immediately give it back to God. Very little risk is required on my end; however, it is deceitful because it isn’t just about giving it to God, it’s about a subtle fear of being vulnerable and exposed to rejection so I share my love in these areas that don’t expose me personally. Ultimately in regards to serving others, I expect nothing in return, and if love is reciprocated, I give it back to God while I remain emotionally distant from the equation.
How did it become this way?
Spiritually speaking my heart became strong from trusting God, and following His word, allowing his love to fill my heart. My heart has also incurred damage through disappointment with God, where I have become bitter and disheartened when my reality doesn’t seem to match my expectations of God and His word. This trend is prevalent personally, from childhood, through adolescence, into adulthood when exposing our hearts to individuals whose words don’t match behaviors, these actions can chip away and slowly erode our heart. As a result trust is broken, confidence is shattered and hearts become critical, cynical, jaded, and fearful. Instead of allowing ourselves to feel, driven by fear we protect our heart in many ways which is dangerous because it interferes with experiencing real God love. For God, fear and love are mutually exclusive. 1 John 4:18 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
How does this impact the way I live my life?
Some respond to the hurt and pain of their past, by switching roles allowing the victim to be the perpetrator. In actuality, the new perpetrator remains a victim, because they are living without the innocence they once had, allowing love to be less than pure and a game based on calculation and manipulation. Therefore this response is not a viable option.
It affects the way I live because, even on a personal level often I love to the extent that doesn’t require me to trust or be affected. The moment I decide to trust I am exposed to another person. To combat this fear, often I would allow a person inside and then reject them when they got close to my comfort zone, not recognizing what I was rejecting, was really what I desired. In a weird way, I would sabotage or hurt myself so I didn’t have to experience hurt from the other party. (Craziness! the bible is right the heart is a trip, who could know it?) Don’t get it twisted, I have learned (and continue to learn) to use extreme discretion before giving your heart to an individual. But even after we decide (this is a conscious decision, and remember decisions come with a responsibility and a duty, so make wise decisions) to take the risk, I have learned not to trust the person, but to trust the God that is inside of the person. Which is why it is difficult to have a meaningful relationship with anyone who is not connected to God, and allowing God to shape and mold them in His image. It is imperative that a person loves God more than they love you. Not just in words, but in action. It takes time for actions to manifest themselves. Time provides multiple scenarios and situations to discover who a person is. If you want to know what something is made of, you change the environment. I used to subscribe to the theory, when people tell you about themselves believe them, I would add an addendum to that, when people show you themselves, believe that as well.
So God I need you in essence to choose for me. If my heart according to the word is slippery and deceitful, I do not want to make decisions from this corrupt place. I can’t “follow my heart,” but I desire now to follow your heart. Perhaps my heart needs to be broken so I can have a heart transplant, where your heart beats inside of me. So that is where I have arrived, I am tired of operating on myself alone. I need you to be my cardiologist and Create in me a clean heart and renew a right Spirit. Please schedule my surgery immediately.
Dear Mind,
We need to talk. This is a conversation that has been a long time coming. Actually, I need to talk to you, because it seems as if you have a tendency to dominate the conversation. Our relationship is complex to say the least. Sometimes you are so in sync with reality, and other times you create your own reality that is non-existent to everyone else but me. You dictate my actions, and provide direction, and I rely on you, which sometimes leads me with clarity to my pathway of purpose and other times to dead ends filled with confusion. Whenever good is on the horizon, you always remind me of all of the negative possibilities. It is as if you are afraid to have faith and go 100% because if you brace yourself it seemingly won’t hurt as bad if it doesn’t work out, I attribute this to your pride and ego. Because you are so smart, you never like to be wrong or hurt at any cost. As you think the worst, subsequently my expectation is minimized and I attract the worst possible scenario and you say “I told you so.” You would rather be secure and right in a bad situation than risk being vulnerable and expecting positive outcomes. This pseudo security is a poor cover for your insecurities.
This strategy has gotten us nowhere, and you know as well as I do, that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior while expecting different results. So no more bracing for the worst and creating negative realities that don’t existent, no more playing out scenarios that are driven by fear, because ultimately we know you have power, and if you dwell on fear, which is spirit not given by God it will attract negativity. If only you would focus on faith, we would not talk about the next dimension, but would perpetually dwell there. My entire attitude, demeanor, behavior and disposition is contingent on what you think. You have the ability to conjure up the shadiest schemes, to the extent that when you sin, you can’t call it “backsliding”, or plead insanity, because it was premeditated. There is a problem if you are thinking of your plan of repentance prior to your sin.
It’s not all your fault. I take responsibility. The truth is you are a product of what I feed you. Sometimes because I don’t want to be alone with you, I turn on the TV to anesthetize you, because I know when you and I are in the presence of God, we are always inspired and constantly challenged to be bigger than we are, to embrace greatness. You keep telling me “it’s only a little…” A little television, a little face book, a little conversation, a little secular music, When all of these “littles” are put together they become a lot. You are right these things aren’t sinful in and of themselves and often can help keep me grounded and balanced, but when not mingled with a little prayer, a little consecration, and a little bible reading (not the kind you do professionally to prepare to speak or to write a paper) you become a vacuum for negativity. So En Vogue, I hope you are right on this one, I am going to free my mind, with the expectation that the rest will follow. A new mind will produce a new me, that will house the capacity to embrace a new year filled with possibility.
I am frustrated with you at times to say the least; I am tired of the fluctuation that occurs in our relationship. At times I would love to severe our relationship, but the fact remains, I need you. I really need you, because when you are in sync with God, and His word, we are unstoppable. You are beautiful and creative. You never cease to amaze me. You find ways to express what my heart desires to convey to others. You entertain me; there are some flights when you simply amuse me for hours. At times you are brilliant. While I am often a prisoner of your analysis, you often liberate the sentiments of my heart to be conveyed to others. So God elevate my mind, my thoughts to your thoughts, and my ways to your ways. I choose faith over fear. I choose to think the best in every situation. I am loosing my mind, and I am realizing that sometimes you have to loose it, to renew it. Transform me by the renewing of my mind; this is my prayer in Jesus name.
Sincerely,
Christopher
December 3, 2012
Hello Brooklyn!
Although we haven’t met officially, I feel like I already know you. At any moment you are scheduled to enter this world. I am so excited, nervous, but yet calm simultaneously. It’s crazy, it’s like I’m in love with someone I have never met.
I believe our connection will be inextricable (you will learn what that word means) from infancy, through childhood, adolescence, high school, college, your wedding day; you can always count on me. I can’t wait for us to share ice cream (blue bell vanilla is my favorite), to take you on dates (my goal is to set the bar so high that you will never settle for anything less than the best), open doors for you, take you shopping, to church, and to watch you discover and develop every gift that God has placed inside of you. I’m excited about cooking together (Top Chef & the Food Network are where I get my inspiration). I can’t wait to come watch you in whatever interest your pursue and be your biggest fan. I can’t wait to read you bed time stories and watch you fall asleep. My goal is to open doors for you that weren’t opened for me, for you to be better than me. I want to be behind the spotlight so I can place it on you and allow you to shine bright. Although I’ve never been a Dad before, I got good examples from our heavenly Father, and your grandfather. My goal is to be your hero.
I want you to feel motivated by me but without pressure. I want you to feel safe and secure, yet free. Always remember you are God’s child, loved unconditionally, brilliant, beautiful, courageous, and powerful. There is nothing that you can’t achieve with God on your side.
Love Always,
Dad
